Dog the Bounty Hunter

Blog Post

DOG BLOG ...

March 1, 2008

DOG JOKES, QUOTES, PROVERBS, RULES -

3/1 - JOKE -

Why are dogs such poor dancers?

They have two left feet

3/2 - RULE -

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are

guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. This is also a good time to practice your sniffing.

3/3 - PROVERB -

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" - Unknown

3/4 - JOKE -

Your dog is supposed to be man's best friend, but it makes more sense to me that it should be your spouse ?? If you can't figure it out, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see which one's going to be really happy to see you. ; )

dedicated to jamesiles - courtesy cheryl

3/5 - QUOTE -

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." - Penny Ward Moser

3/6 - RULE -

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

• dedicated to Karenplumley

3/7 - PROVERB -

"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." - Unknown

3/8 - JOKE -

Dog With Expression

Dixon, seated in a movie theatre, noticed that the man in front of him had his arm around the neck of a huge Afghan hound that occupied the seat next to him. The dog was watching the picture with obvious understanding, for he snarled softly when the villain spoke, and yelped joyously at the funny lines. Dixon leaned over and tapped the man in front of him on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but I can't get over your dog's behavior." "Yeah, I'm surprised too," said the man. "He hated the book."

3/9 - OWNER RESTS SUNDAYS - DOG TIRED! ; )

3/10 - PROVERB -

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -Dave Barry

3/11 DICTIONARY -

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you jog away.

3/12 QUOTE -

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." - Unknown

3/13 - JOKE -

Hair Removal Cream

A blonde takes her dog to the vet. He advised her to buy some Nair and remove the excess hair around the Schnauzer's eyes and ears. The blonde entered a pharmacy and asked for the hair remover. "Use it full strength for leg hair," said the druggist, "but dilute it one half for underarms." "Oh," said the girl, "but I want to use it on my Schnauzer." "In that case," said the pharmacist, "you'd better use one quarter strength and I wouldn't ride a Harley for a couple of weeks."

3/14 - QUOTE -

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andy Rooney

3/15 - DICTIONARY -

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

3/17 - JOKE -

My Names Downboy

A great big sheep dog was sent to a kennel, where his owners hoped he might learn to stop jumping up on everybody who came into their home. At the kennel he got into a conversation with a tiny French poodle. "My name's Josette," said the little dog, "what's yours?" "I'm not sure," said the sheep dog, "but I think it's Downboy."

3/18 - JOKE -

New Puppy

Peter smuggled a puppy with him on an airliner by hiding it inside his pants. During the flight, the hostess saw him grinning broadly and asked why. He told her what he had done. "But," asked the stewardess, "is the puppy housebroken?" "Heck," said Peter, "he ain't even been weaned yet!"

3/19 -

No Sense

A drunk was passing a bus intersection when a large St. Bernard brushed against him and knocked him down. An instant later a foreign sports car skidded around the corner and inflicted more damage. A bystander helped the poor fellow up and said, "Are you hurt?" "Well," he answered, "the dog didn't hurt so much, but that tin can tied to his tail nearly killed me."

3/20 -

Wise Old Dog

Maureen Perlmutter, the happy Hancock Park homemaker, tells about Darby, a dachshund who loved country sausages. When he begged hard enough, his mistress wrote out an order for a few, and the dog grasped it between his jaws and trotted off to Barney's Butcher Shop with it. In time Barney took Darby's appearance as a matter of course and counted off a half dozen sausages without even consulting the order the dachshund dropped at his feet. One day the dog showed up at the store four times and Barney decided to check. The paper was absolutely blank. Whenever he wanted sausages, the wise old dog simply snatched up any piece of paper and trotted off to the butcher's with it. : )

3/31 -

Craving For Dog Food

Mrs. Crandall told the psychiatrist that her husband, George, had a craving for dog food and was raiding their Doberman's supply. She showed him a can of it "This looks harmless," he said, after checking the label. 'Your husband will get over his love for dog food. Let him eat all he wants." Three weeks later, Mrs. Crandall phoned to say that her spouse was dead. "My God!" exclaimed the psychiatrist. "It wasn't the dog food, was it?" "No, Doctor," she replied sadly. "Poor George was out in the driveway scratching his fleas, and I accidentally backed over him."

4/1 -

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the US by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"

4/2 -

A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "The dog is in heat, go ask daddy."

The little girl goes to her father, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? Mom said the dog is in heat and that I should ask you." "Hm." He answers, takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's behind with it. "OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash."

Little girl goes and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad asks, "Where is Susie?" Little girl says, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block. But another dog is pushing her home."

4/3 -

Top Ten Signs You Spoil Your Dog:

1. You think begging for table scraps is beneath him, so you let your dog eat at the table with you.

2. You take him to the supermarket and let him pick out his own dog food.

3. Your husband comes home from work, looks at the stew on the stove and asks: "Is this people food or dog food?"

4. You bought matching His & Hers place mats for your dog and yourself.

5. At dinner parties you always have to double-check the butter for visible lick marks, before putting it on the table.

6. Your dog gets to vote on where to spend the next family vacation.

7. You don't care if you or your spouse are comfortable at night, as long as Fido has enough room on the bed.

8. You complain about the rising costs of groceries, but you don't think twice about spending a fortune on doggie treats.

9. Your dog always gets the best spot on the couch and sometimes he even gets to hold the remote.

10. He has his own e-mail address.

4/4 -

The Blonde & The K-9 Patrol Dispatch

The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"

4/5 -

My Dog

A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance!

As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to the guy. Soon, he leaned over to the pig and put his arm around it.

But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm from around the pig. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and low and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

4/6 - Sunday

4/7 -

How To Prepare For a New Puppy

1. Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark.

2. Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender.

3. Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up - come on, lets go!"

4. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair. Dark clothes must use white hair, and light clothes must use dark hair. Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.

5. Play "catch" with a wet tennis ball.

6. Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.

7. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor.

8. Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the dog will drag it anyway. (Especially when you have company.)

9. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV show and run to the door shouting, "No no! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the show.

10. Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.

11. Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times with a screwdriver - it's going to get chewed on anyway.

12. Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap.

4/8 -

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Men:

1. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

2. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

3. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

4. Dogs obsess about you as much as (or more than) you obsess about them.

5. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

6. You can house train a dog.

7. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

8. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

9. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

10. Dogs don't care whether or not you shave your legs.

4/9 - dedicated to Bandit, James, Kez, claydog, mikethebailiff, and the rest of my male friends -

The Top Ten Reasons Why a Dog Is Better than a Woman:

1. A dog's parents will never visit you.

2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

4. A dog never expects you to call.

5. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

6. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

7. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

8. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

9. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

...And the number one reason why a dog is better than a woman:

1. A dog does not shop.

4/10 -

Snoring Husband And Dog

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep,his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's family jewels and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally,unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's family jewels, sure enough, the dog stops snoring.The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's family jewels. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he is standing, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his family jewels. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's family jewels. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says: "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by Golly, we got first and second place!

4/11 -

IF YOU CAN.....

If you can start the day without caffeine or drugs,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your problems,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can find great happiness in the simplest things in life,

If you can forgive any action in the blink of an eye,

...then, you're almost as good as your dog. : )

4/15 -

Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.

2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only

9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

4/16 -

DOG RULES -

If at mealtime, you see something you want, and all attempts at getting it have failed, it is perfectly acceptable to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly.

The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.

As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.

In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the veterinarian.

4/17 -

Smart Dog

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.

He then said, "Anything else?"

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?"

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

4/18 -

10 Dog Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny ... not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FREEKIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth ...

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

4/19 -

Violin Practice

Little Mikey was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

4/20 - Sunday

4/21 -

Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

4/22 -

Top 10 Signs that Spot won the Lottery:

1. Giant gold fire hydrant in the front yard.

2. Sends another dog out to bark at the mailman.

3. Oscar Mayer truck parked at the kitchen door on Wednesdays.

4. Nicole Ritchie's hair is a mess because her hairdresser is busy with Spot.

5. Starts his own party and runs for President.

6. Congressman from Texas suddenly pushing anti-cat bill.

7. Offers Ashton Kutcher a million dollars to let Demi Moore scratch his tummy.

8. "Bigfoot" truck in the driveway with "Hey Cat - Make My Day!" bumper sticker.

9. Shortage of beef jerky at all the local grocery stores.

10. Democrats keep asking him to come to the White House for Kibbles.

4/23 -

Ways the Miss America Pageant Would Be Different if the Judges Were Dogs:

1. Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner petting a cat

2. Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney

3. New sniffing competition

4. Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big plastic cones on head

5. Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered judges

6. Winning talent? Throwing a stick

7. Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat

8. Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with Gaines Burgers

9. Points taken off for mange

10. Winner gets to drink out of toilet

4/24 -

To Dog, Leland, Duane Lee, Bandit, jamesiles, mikethebailiff, Bamareb, Kez, Claydog, Joe22, Dogs_1Fan and the rest of my guy friends - please don't be offended and read this in the Aloha Spirit - I'll find a good one for you! I always even the score! ; )

More Reasons Dogs Are Better Than Men

Dogs don't smoke.

Dogs don't tell you how great thier ex-owners were in bed.

Dogs LOVE commitment

Dogs don't display their b*tt-crack when bending over.

Dogs don't watch football.

Dogs don't care how long it takes you to get ready.

Dogs know when they're bad.

Dogs don't leave a mere drop of milk in the carton when they KNOW you need it for your morning cup of coffee...

Dogs don't mind a girls' night out.

Dogs love public displays of affection.

Dogs never work late at the office.

If dogs scratch themselves, you can easily wash them.

If a dog argues with you, you can always tug on his leash.

Dogs are willing to get fat with you.

Dogs are loyal.

Dogs rarely belch after a meal.

Dogs always look up to you.

Dogs never come home at 3am drunk

Dogs don't come home with lipstick on their collar.

Dogs never go out of town "on business".

Dogs are easy to win over... "Doggie biscuit, Spot??"

Dogs can appreciate the value of stuffed animals.

Dogs are always understanding when it's your time of the month.

Dogs always introduce you to other dogs; or better yet, their hunky owners

Dogs don't start balding at 35.

Dogs don't brag how big it is.

Dogs don't have a police record.

Dogs get bigger, not wider.

Dogs aren't afraid to sleep by your feet.

Dogs will alert you in case of fire

Dogs don't leave the toilet seat up.

Dogs don't care what you smell or look like.

Dogs are always glad to see you.

4/25 -

Aloha! I promised to even the score but I felt bad because it seemed unfair - most of those who make up the site are women, so I'm going to make everyone happy today! lol! So for my bruddahs, here goes -

HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both look silly in hats.

Both put too much value on kissing.

Both tend to have "hip" problems.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

Neither understand football.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both look good in a fur coat.

And for my sistahs -

WHY DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE

Both chase cars.

The larger ones tend to drool.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both want dominance

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.

Both keep moving...even when they are lost.

BONUS -

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10

4/26 -

Subject: Fwd: Dog's Reminder to Self......

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it is raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom and dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and walk around with a string hanging out of my behind.

22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.

23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

24. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my behind across the carpet.

4/27 - Sunday

4/28 -

DOG HAIKU

I love my master;

Thus I perfume myself with

This long-rotten squirrel

xxxxxxxxxx

Today I sniffed

Many dog bottoms-I celebrate

By kissing your face.

xxxxxxxxxx

I lift my leg and

Whiz on each bush. Hello, Boss -

Sniff it and weep

xxxxxxxxxx

My human is home!

I am so ecstatic I have

Made a puddle

xxxxxxxxxx

Sleeping here, my chin

On your foot - no greater bliss - well,

Maybe catching rats

xxxxxxxxxx

The cat is not all

Bad-she fills the litter box

With Tootsie Rolls

xxxxxxxxxx

I am your best friend,

Now, always, and especially

When you are eating.

4/29 -

Does Your Dog Own You?

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

You let the neighbor dog sleep over.

You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

4/30 -

Mind games dogs play with humans

After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans' bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go pee, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them and make them think something terrible has happened to you. Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears.

Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go poop. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

5/1 -

TOP 12 SUPER POWERS COVETED BY DOGS

1. SkeetVision-- The ability to shoot laser beams from your eyes to blast that darn Frisbee out of the sky

2. Anti-Psych-Out -- Immunity to all that "fake throw"nonsense.

3. SquirrelFreeze - self explanatory

4. AnalTelepathy/BehindSniffery -- Two powers which when combined allow one to smell another dog's behind without actually having to get up and move around.

5. John-O-Matic -- Turns any toilet bowl into a punch bowl by sheer force of will.

6. King Fido's Touch -- Everything you touch turns to poop

7. ViseHump -- The leg hump grip of steel

8. AquaField -- Immunity to bucket of cold water when copulating in driveway

9. VacuCalm -- Utter self-control whenever the vacuum cleaner is turned on.

3.GucciTract -- An invincible digestive system that sustains itself entirely on designer shoes.

1. InvisiBath -- The power to disappear at the first sound of bath water

And the #1 Super Power Most Coveted by Dogs...

1. DoberMorph -- Ability to change into a Doberman anytime someone rolls up a newspaper.

MAY DAY BONUS !!! -

THE WELCOME

I hear it! I hear the car! HER car! And she's coming this way!

Oh, oh, I must run in and grab a gift! I must greet her with a gift!

Oh, ’BONK’ missed the step. No matter, I must hurry. Move over, doggy door! She's coming, she's coming!

Gift, gift, where, what, oh, oh, oh, ah! A plastic bottle she drinks from, right here on top of the container they call trash! Oh, perfect.

She's coming, she's coming! Oh, oh, oh...

The door! I hear the door sound that sounds right before she comes in!

Oh, it's OPENING! SHE'S HOME!

Oh, oh, ’wiggle, wiggle, wiggle’ I cannot be still! You're home! And look, look, I have this nice bottle! Oh, oh, you're home! YOU'RE HOME!

I have missed you so much, you've been gone hours, weeks, days, years! And so much has happened! A dog ran by and I chewed a tree and Pluto slept under the house and it rained a little!

Oh, oh, oh! You're home, you're home!

And you're touching me! I can't stand it, it's so marvelous! Oh, and you're speaking! “Murble, murble, good boy, murble, murble.”

YES! Your happy voice. Oh, I'm about to burst! I'm so happy, happy, happy! Yes! I want to jump! I'm not supposed to jump, but oh, oh, just a little jump!

”Off.”

Darn. Oh, I cannot be still.

I'll roll over and wiggle on my back! Oh, yes! She's rubbing me–my tummy, my head, my sides! Oh, oh,oh.

Now what? Now where's she going? Oh, oh, yes! Back to the room where we sleep at night! Great! It has the big pad we sleep on and ’L–E–A–P‘ I can get up here close to her.

And here she comes!

Oh, oh, oh! I can stand on my legs and put my paws around her neck and–uh oh. Can't lick with this bottle in my mouth. But it’s my present to her! Oh, oh, what to do? And she's rubbing me! But I want to lick her, oh, oh, I think I'm about to burst!

”Off.”

Oh, darn. Drop the bottle. Oh, YES! She’s coming back!

She took off the pieces she puts on her eyes, and I can stand and 'lick, lick' I love you, I love you, I love you, I love ’lick, lick, lick’ you taste so good, salty, sweet, I love that stuff you smear on your face every day, I love to lick it off, oh, oh, and you're rubbing me again!

My back, my head, my ears, oh, oh ’lick, lick, lick’. ”Murble, murble, Mickee, good boy, murble, murble.”

”Off.”

Darn.

I will lay here and watch her. Watch her peel her fur–it’s–not. It is very warm. I don’t know because I don’t think. How does she do that?

And I will get that look on my face that always makes her come and rub me. The look where I roll my eyes up, and keep my head flat here and she will come...and she's putting on her play skin! YES! We will play–sometime. My tail cannot be still. I am SO happy, happy, happy.

Now she’s going in the room with the wonderful water bowl! I LOVE that water bowl – always cool, clean water! She'll be out in just a minute, just a minute, just a.....yes, she's coming! She's here again.

Oh, oh, oh....

Now back to the room with the box that has pictures and sounds. Ah, I know what happens now. Yep, she's laying down on the big pad there. Now she'll sleep. But that’s okay.

She's HOME!

SHE'S home.

She's home.

And she smells tired. So I will lay beside her here and guard her and wait while she sleeps. And when she wakes up she won’t smell so tired. And we'll play and play.

S–i–g–h. I’ll just rest with her now, and smell her while she sleeps.

And wait again. For, the next thing that happens, HE'’LL be home.

And then, oh, oh, zzzzzzzzz........

• Jana Mauney

5/2 -

Parking

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously, "But I usually just put my car in park."

5/3 -

DOG SEAT

An American soldier, from World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little poodle.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the poodle, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and rallied, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

A French gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bxxch out the window."

5/4 - Sunday

5/5 - Happy Cinco De Mayo !!!

Pet Lovers' Manifesto

Dear Dogs and Cats,

There is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs' behind. I cannot stress this enough.

My CDs are not miniature Frisbees.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

5/6 -

Ways the US Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog

As presented on the July 8, 1994 (7/8/94) broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

1. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal

2. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon

3. Public enemy #1: That neutering bxxtxxd Bob Barker

4. Doggy door on oval office

5. One word: sausage-gate

6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy

7. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President," reporters would shout, "Here fella!"

8. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant

9. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife

10. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas jingle)

• dedicated to Karenplumley

5/7 -

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant." ... yuck, yuck

5/8 -

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

5/9 -

A Shelter Dog asks God...

Author: Joan C. Fremo

Published on: July 29, 2001

Dear God,

What is "Time"?

I hear the sadness in the voices of workers here. They say my "Time is up", that they have to make room for yet another dog.

My "Time" is up. I don't know what that means, God. I only know that my new friends are so sad, and the more I wag my tail, the harder I try to make them feel better---the sadder they become.

I know I have heard that word "Time" before, but I don't understand. When I was younger, my people would say "Time to play!" They would throw the ball, and I would run fast. Sometimes I brought it back to them, but other times we'd end up chasing each other having fun.

I remember "Time to eat". My people would put down a bowl of food, and I would enjoy dinner, wagging my tail in joy. There was also "Time for your walk". My boy would put my leash on, and we would go walking together, visiting the neighborhood and enjoying each other's company.

When I was younger I thought "Time" meant fun. Or maybe Love?

I don't understand. "Time" must mean something else, but how can it change, God? Before I came here, I heard my people say, "No time to feed you now, boy. Later, when I get home." Sometimes my family would forget, and there was no food in my bowl.

Does "Time" mean when my belly hurts?

My people said there was no time for walks. I tried to hold it all day long-- but God, I just couldn't anymore. When I finally had to go, it made my family very angry.

Does "Time" means anger? Or maybe Loneliness?

My family said they didn't have "Time". They didn't have time to play, or time to take me to the vet, or time to go for walks. They didn't have "Time", so they brought me here.

Maybe I was right... They said they didn't have time, and if "Time" means Love, how did they lose it?

Did I do something wrong?

God, I think my new friends are sending me to you. Do you have "Time"? May I sit on the couch?

Am I a good Dog, God?

Is it "Time"?

======================================

One of the most important things we can give our Pets is "Time". The time to love them, care for them, and train them. Animal Shelters and Humane Societies across the country are filled with Pets whose families didn't have "Time". Every year, the "Time is up" for 12 million companion Pets. Do you have the "Time" to make a difference?

Ok, if that saves at least one dog, it will have been worth it. So here's today's joke -

A Dog Named Love

A woman named her dog Love because it was so affectionate. One night, Love failed to come home, so the woman went looking for her. Because she was running around frantically, dressed only in a bathrobe, a police officer pulled up next to her. "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "I'm out here looking for Love," the woman replied. The officer arrested her on the spot...yuck, yuck

5/10 -

Talking Dog for Sale

In Florida, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a dog sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had 18 wives, too many puppies to remember, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

5/11 - Sunday

5/12 -

The Top 12 Changes at the White House When the Clintons Got a Puppy

1. At long last, Bill won't have to flinch every time he hears "Bad boy!"

2. President no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in someone else's yard.

3. "Bxxch" label now somewhat ambiguous.

4. Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer automatically implicate the President.

5. New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.

6. Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer make Hillary suspicious.

7. Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list.

8. Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.

9. Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at State dinners.

10. To the embarrassment of the trainers, dog still unable to tell Al Gore from a tree.

2 "Get that furball off my leg!" no longer refers exclusively to the President.

and the Number 1 Change at the White House When The Clintons Got a Puppy...

1. Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom now find complimentary Tootsie Rolls on their pillows.

5/13 -

Top 12 Things Your Dog Would Say If It Could Talk

1. But it SMELLS like food.

2. The cat did it.

3. What say we all drive down to Dairy Queen?
   

4. Explain this 'heat' thing again.

5. Mind if I sit there?

6. You gonna eat ALL of that?

7. I don't smell anything.

8. Could I see the menu?

9. FETCH THIS!

10. Next time, I pick the bxxch!

11. This isn't a mess, it's ambiance!

And THE number one thing your dog would say:

1. You're going to cut off my WHAT??!!

5/14 -

If Dogs could Send a Letter to God...

Dear God,

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,

Why do humans smell the flowers, but never smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,

May I have my testicles back?

Dear God,

When we get to heaven, do we get to sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God,

Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.

5/15 -

Washing the Dog

An eight year old boy walks into the local grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

Oh, not laundry, I'm going to wash my dog! said the boy.

But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful detergent and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it could even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. The grocer continued to try to convince the boy but it was no use. The young boy's mind was made up.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer approached the boy and asked him how his dog was doing.

Oh, he died, the boy said sadly.

I'm so sorry son, I tried to warn you that the detergent could kill your dog.

Well, the boy replied, It wasn't the detergent that killed him.

The grocer was a bit relieved. Oh? What was it then? he asked.

Mom said it was probably the spin cycle.

5/16 -

Top 10 Star Wars Scenes Toby Would Like To See:

1. Planet Catderran blown up by fully operational Dogstar space station.

2. Luke uses The Force to open a can of Alpo.

3. Chewbacca reveals he is really a very large St. Bernard.

4. Instead of shooting lightning from his fingers, the Emperor slobbers all over people.

5. Change catchy slogan from "May The Force Be With You" to "Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!"

6. Luke blows up the Deathstar by dropping a cat down the air duct.

7. C-3PO translates dog speech, dogs ask the Princess, "What's up with the hair?"

8. Yoda - "No, there is another - Luke's dog, Toby. The force is strong with that one."

9. Replace lightsaber battle with Frisbee throwing contest.

10. Princess Leia saying "Help me, Toby-Wan-Kenobi, you're my only hope."

5/17 -

Top 10 Reasons Why Dogs Don't Drive

1. Could never ever live with the guilt of running over Uncle Rover while he was chasing the car!

2. Saw that Herbie movie as a young pup and are still scared of cars!

3. Have not yet invented 'squished cat' hood ornaments

4. Can't get your learner's permit until you're 15! That's 105 in dog years!

5. Cats would just learn to use the pedestrian overpasses anyway.

6. Much more sophisticated to use a well-trained human chauffeur

7. Keep wanting to fetch the 'stick shift'

8. There's never a fire hydrant when you need one on those long road trips

9. They haven't invented a car where you can hang your head out the window and still reach the gas pedal

10. It takes too long to get somewhere when you have to stop the car at every tree!

5/19 -

Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids

1. Dogs don't like Barney.

2. You can bury a dog in the backyard, no questions asked.

3. Doesn't notice if your clothes are dorky and your hairstyle is from the 80's

4. Won't grow up to blame you for sending them into years of therapy

5. Won't tie up the phone for hours

6. Cute little puppies grow up to be dogs. Cute little babies grow up to be teenagers.

7. You can give them dippy names.

8. They never criticize your cooking.

9. Nothing you do can grosses them out.

10. Never borrows the car and wrecks it.

5/20 -

Character Traits You Don't Want In Your New Dog

1. He promptly eats any dog training book that you bring into the house.

2. He's convinced that he's being helpful when he chews a "doggy door" in the screen door to your backyard.

3. His hobby is cleaning the leftover food off the neighborhood children's faces.

4. He thinks that the sound of thunder is bigger dogs challenging him, and barks back accordingly.

5. Every year, he attacks your scary Halloween lawn decorations, in a valiant attempt to protect his house.

6. After he toots in a room full of people, he glares at you, trying to pass off the blame.

7. When his bum itches, he drags it across your new pale beige carpet.

8. He thinks that small children were put on this planet to provide him with human treats that he can easily reach.

9. He confuses garden hoses with snakes and promptly rips them to pieces at the first opportunity.

10. He's decided to start regularly practicing his "there's a burglar at the front door barking" just in case one day someone's actually there.

c 1997 Sandy Lindsey

5/21 -

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO THE DOGS WHEN ...

Nobody's feet are allowed on the furniture, but your dogs are welcome to sleep on any piece they so choose

All kinds of things around the house are in need of repair, but the injured dog you rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery and out comes the checkbook

You and your family haven't had your annual check up in two years, but the dogs are all medically up to date

You start barking at your children to "Sit! Stay!"

You're more concerned with the dogs' needs than your own when the budget gets tight

At least three of your five weeks vacation are scheduled around grooming, vaccinations and dental cleaning...all for the dogs!

Dog crates double as chairs and/or tables in your family room

You can only remember people by associating them with their dog

It takes an entirely separate garbage can to handle the poop

Overnight guests (who share your bed) are offended by having to sleep with you and the dog(s)

You snuggle closer to the dog than the person with whom you are sleeping

5/22 - cont.

All your social activities revolve around other dog people

Your voice is recognized by your vet's receptionist

You spend more time looking through mail order catalogues for dog supplies than for Victoria’s Secrets’ lingerie.

The whereabouts of all your important legal and personal documents escapes you, yet you know precisely where to locate the file that includes all the vet records, breed papers and registration

Your trunk has an emergency food kit for any strays you might come across

The majority of your charitable contributions go to animal organizations

To win a precious $.75 show ribbon, you think nothing to forking out hundreds of dollars to board/pet sit the other dogs, pay for entry fees, gas, accommodations and meals

You no longer have to buy extra large garbage bags, because the empty, 40 pound dog food bags work just as well

Complete strangers call you on the phone to ask questions because they heard you were a" dog person"

Your mom calls and asks how the granddogs are

Everyone at the office is eager to know if the dogs are all right because you were late for the meeting

You decide to downsize from a huge house in the city to an average country cottage with lots of land in order to build the kennel of your dreams

5/23 - cont.

Every gift you ever get has something to do with dogs

Your cookie jar has never seen the likes of people cookies

You rip up the carpet and lay tile to make clean up so much easier

Any conversation you're having is effortlessly directed back to the topic of dogs

The number one priority when buying a new house is the size and landscape of the backyard

The cost of boarding your dogs equals that of your entire vacation

Your dog decides he doesn't like someone and you tend to agree

You describe your kids as having temperaments rather than personalities

While proudly showing off your family album, your guest asks, "Isn't there anyone else in your family besides the dog?"

Your kids (husband, wife, etc.) complain that you always take more pictures of the dog than you do of them

All your non-dog friends know to dress down when visiting your house

Your friends know which chair not to sit in

5/24 cont. -

You don't think twice about sitting on the floor because both the couch and the chair are completely dog full

All dates must pass your dog's inspection

You break down and buy another pillow so you can have one to sleep on

You buy a mini-van to give them all enough travel room

You readily allow your dogs to give you slobbery kisses, but you don't dare wipe a toddler's nose

Your dog has the best birthday party over and above any kid in the entire neighborhood

First time visitors wonder aloud: "Do you smell something?" and you really don't

Onlookers grimace at the sight of you sharing your sandwich with your four-legged friend, bite for bite

Your spouse issues the ultimatum: "It's them or me!" and you have no problem showing them the door

Your vet's office number is the first one on your speed dial list, his home is number two

5/25 - Sunday

5/26 - Happy Memorial Day !!!

cont. -

Your file is the only one that remains in the "IN" box at the vet's office

Your file rivals War And Peace

You've just spent $60 on groceries and realize none of it is for yourself.

Dog hair in food is just another spice.

Your dogs have their own Christmas card and gift list -- and they receive cards and gifts in return.

The part of your will dealing with your dogs is longer than any other part.

The guardians of your dogs will receive a larger amount of insurance policy money than will all other members of your family, combined.

The instructions to the dog kennel are longer than the instructions to the house sitter.

Most of your vacation pictures are of dogs around the world.

Kiss your dog more than 10 times per greeting.

Introduce your dog to the photographer and ask would you like to kiss Fido too.

Call long distance and talk with your dog.

5/27 - cont. -

Your good double-breasted coat has gone without its inside button for four months because you can't be bothered to take 5 minutes to sew it back on, but you spend an hour a week stitching your dog's giggle ball back together.

Your "Welcome" sign has a dog on it.

Your e-mail address is your dog's name.

When you can't find your kids, you whistle for them to come.

Alternatively, you call the chidren like a dog: "Here Angie, come on girl".

You named your last child after your favorite dog.

5/31 -

Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids

It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.

Dogs cannot lie.

Dogs never resist nap time.

You don't need to get an extra phone line for a dog.

Dogs don't pester you about getting another kid.

Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.

Average cost of sending a dog to school: $52, Your kid: $103,000.

Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.

Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.

If your dog is a bad seed, your genes cannot be blamed.

BUT WE LOVE OUR KIDS THE MOST - MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF ...

6/1 - Sunday

6/2 -

Top 10 Signs Your Dog May Need A. A. -

1. Wakes up looking for a little hair o' the human.

2. Lately, you've noticed that he'll even hump a really UGLY leg.

3. He used to bark -- now he just belches the chorus to "Louie, Louie."

4. Chases pink elephants around the yard instead of squirrels.

5. Just signed to do a remake of "Old Yeller" with Kelsey Grammer and Robert Downey, Jr.

6. Justifies quantities consumed by reasoning that they are in "dog beers."

7. When he hikes his leg at the fire hydrant he keeps falling over backwards.

8. Won't drink out of the toilet unless there's an olive in it.

9. No matter what you throw for him to fetch, he always returns with a bottle of Cuervo and a lime.

10. Spends more time hugging the toilet bowl than actually slurping from it.

6/3 - Rufus' Rules

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Display your loyalty to loved ones and good causes proudly….…like a new collar.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gentle.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water, lay under a shady tree, and count clouds.

When you’re happy, dance around and share your delight with those important to you.

Delight in the simple joy of a long talk with a good friend.

Show affection to those you love every chance you get.

A little treat is definitely something to get excited about.

Never underestimate how much fun you can have with a ball and a friend.

During conversation, always perk up your ears, maintain eye contact and tilt your head. There are never enough good, sincere listeners.

Playing with toys is never a waste of time.

No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout… run right back and mend the fences. Let nothing stand between you and those you love.

Take some extra love with you wherever you go and give it away.

All you really have to do to get someone to smile is give them one of yours.

Unconditional love is the best kind.

6/4 -

10 Excellent Reasons To Have Your Dog Fixed

by Sandy Lindsey

1. You don't want to explain to a snarling German Shepard that pregnant dogs aren't supposed to eat junk food.

2. You aren't getting any either.

3. Human arms and legs begin to look very good to your dog.

4. You sleep with your four-legged friends and...(see #3).

5. The cost of raising offspring has risen dramatically and your dog is unemployed.

6. The neighborhood refers to your Beagle as the "Hound of the Boinkervilles."

7. You tried to get your dog to use a condom, but he thought they were chew treats.

8. It will stop Fido from wanting to go out on Saturday night "dates" and flaunting that he has a better social life than you do.

9. You don't want your pet slapped with a puppy paternity suit.

10. It's hard enough to find loving homes for all the homeless dogs already out there

c 1997 Sandy Lindsey

6/5 -

Dogs Ten Commandments

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years - any separation from you will be very painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me - it is crucial for my well being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment...You have your work, your friends, your entertainment... I HAVE ONLY YOU!

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I understand your voice when you're speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I'll NEVER forget it.

7. Before you hit me, remember that I have teeth that could easily crush the bones in your hands but I choose NOT to bite YOU.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I've been out in the sun too long or my heart may be getting old and weak.

9. Take care of me when I get old. You too will grow old.

10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, "I can't bear to watch it" or "Let it happen when I'm not here." Everything is easier for ME if you are there. Remember that I love you.

6/6 -

Signs That You Have A Dumb Dog

Thinks that a "stool sample" is something you find in a furniture factory.

Constantly chasing people named "Katz"

Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in cat face.

Buries tail, wags bones.

Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day.

When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat-by products.

Has suffered over two dozen concussions from toilet seat falling on his head.

6/7 -

Train Ride

A Frenchman, an American and a beautiful girl with her puppy, Precious, on her lap, are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the American are sitting there looking perplexed. The Frenchman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Frenchman is thinking "Damn it, that American must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The girl is thinking, "That Frenchman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the American instead and got slapped."

The American is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Frenchman again!!

6/9 -

Ugly Man

A very ugly man walks into a bar in and says to the bartender, “I‘ll bet you 100 dollars that I can get the next woman to walk into this bar to kiss me.” Seeing how hideously ugly the man was, the bartender took the bet.

A few minutes later a very attractive woman walks in with her poodle and sits at a table near the bar. The ugly man walks over and sits down next to her. A few minutes later the woman leans over and kisses the ugly man on the lips.

The ugly man returns to the bartender and collects on the bet. “How did you get her to kiss you?” asked the bartender. “Simple,” replied the ugly man. “I told her that I bet the bartender 100 dollars that I could get you to kiss me. If you kiss me, I’ll split the 100 dollars with you. You see I may be ugly, but I’m not stupid.”

6/10 -

Flying Blind

Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using Duke, a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is jus

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